Good Manners Gone Off-key

[rissicat]

Perhaps I'm showing my age here, but I've seen a trend lately of interpersonal communication that's an odd combination of insensitivity and self-absorption. There's a breakdown in civility, an inability of people to express themselves to each other in a manner that's both honest and respectful. In our "me"-centric, fast-paced culture, we talk more but we listen less.


And while most people understand that there is an expectation that apologies should be tendered when someone's feelings are hurt, it seems to me that the apologies I hear have a distressing tendency toward being half-assed or misdirected.

Apology (noun)
1. An expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.

Apologizing to someone for what you've done to them - for the hurt you've caused them - involves two steps. First, it requires that you actually think about your actions and truly regret whatever action (or inaction) that caused the other person injury. Secondly, in rendering the apology to the other person, it means that you must convey those feelings to the other person. The words "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" are vitally necessary.

Instead I see people avoid those words, perhaps because uttering them makes them take ownership for the hurt they've caused. Instead, they'll offer gifts and concessions. But without the words, without actually saying "I'm sorry", the hurt is still there. Without the words the wounds never truly heal, because the one who was injured doesn't understand/believe that there is any real remorse for the situation. Actions don't always speak louder than words.

Apology (noun)
2. An inferior specimen or substitute, makeshift.

Worse yet though, is when the apology is completely self-absorbed. "I'm sorry I'm so stupid. I'm sorry I'm such a f*ckup." (or any variation therein)

Here, the person has switched the definition of "apology", and become utterly escapist. While he or she admits that they've caused someone hurt, they still cannot actually own up to the actions, and instead excoriates their own character. It's all about how they're an awful human being, and undeserving of friendship, rather than admitting to doing something that hurt another person. It's dodging the bullet of responsibility for one's actions. It's putting them self back at the center of the situation. (And yes, I've done this myself when I'm not ready to own up to something I've done, too. But I try to go back and use those two words, "I'm sorry", when I'm not quite so emotionally cranked up.)

An apology, offered in sincerity, is about actions. Yes, those actions most certainly center around who we are and what's most important to us. But ultimately the act of apologizing is about caring enough for the other person that when we hurt someone else by way of our actions, we do let them know that their pain is also our pain. An apology is about focusing on the other person's feelings, and letting the injured know that we still care, still want to maintain the relationship. In the end, it all comes back to saying the words "I'm sorry" to one another.

Perhaps the actions that were taken are ones that are not regretted at all - in fact, under the circumstances the actions taken were felt to be the only ones available or the only ones appropriate to the situation. Care of the other person's feelings is still central to the issue. Apologies genuinely rendered for causing pain and anxiety, even if the action was deliberate, are not lessened because the action itself is not regretted.

The only the apology that is wasted is the one offered out of wrote formula, and not from the heart. Apology for the sake of social form rings hollow on the ears.

But apologies are a two way street, they're given and received, and the next step belongs to the injured party....

Forgiveness, at its core, has nothing at all to do with forgetting what happened. By definition, forgiveness is the act of surrendering the feelings of resentment that are harbored from being hurt and wronged. Nurturing those feelings, holding them in our hearts, is a guarantee that things can never be made right. Resentment is nothing but chains fastened to the past, and a guarantee that the future will forever be poisoned.

Forgiveness is NOT the same as absolution, however - it's not about letting the person who caused injury or harm off the hook for the consequences of their actions. It's not about not needing some kind of recompense for the harm done.

What forgiveness is really about, is that once the reparations are offered in good faith, and accepted with the same good faith, that resentment is put away and done, set aside in favor of the future.

People are what they are; our natures are inherently selfish more often than not.... At some point in our lives, we will be hurt and we will hurt those we love.

I think the true measure of your soul comes from what actions we take after that hurt has happened... if we can look to another and truly care about the pain we've caused enough to want to ease it. And if we can be hurt by those we love and still have the strength to reach out for a better tomorrow.

Comments

[mewsrissicat.livejournal.com]

My dear... that's because you're her mother. She's a blessed little girl. Seriously.