Good Manners Gone Off-key
Mar. 14th, 2009 01:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rissicatPerhaps I'm showing my age here, but I've seen a trend lately of interpersonal communication that's an odd combination of insensitivity and self-absorption. There's a breakdown in civility, an inability of people to express themselves to each other in a manner that's both honest and respectful. In our "me"-centric, fast-paced culture, we talk more but we listen less.
And while most people understand that there is an expectation that apologies should be tendered when someone's feelings are hurt, it seems to me that the apologies I hear have a distressing tendency toward being half-assed or misdirected.
Apology (noun)
1. An expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.
Apologizing to someone for what you've done to them - for the hurt you've caused them - involves two steps. First, it requires that you actually think about your actions and truly regret whatever action (or inaction) that caused the other person injury. Secondly, in rendering the apology to the other person, it means that you must convey those feelings to the other person. The words "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" are vitally necessary.
Instead I see people avoid those words, perhaps because uttering them makes them take ownership for the hurt they've caused. Instead, they'll offer gifts and concessions. But without the words, without actually saying "I'm sorry", the hurt is still there. Without the words the wounds never truly heal, because the one who was injured doesn't understand/believe that there is any real remorse for the situation. Actions don't always speak louder than words.
Apology (noun)
2. An inferior specimen or substitute, makeshift.
Worse yet though, is when the apology is completely self-absorbed. "I'm sorry I'm so stupid. I'm sorry I'm such a f*ckup." (or any variation therein)
Here, the person has switched the definition of "apology", and become utterly escapist. While he or she admits that they've caused someone hurt, they still cannot actually own up to the actions, and instead excoriates their own character. It's all about how they're an awful human being, and undeserving of friendship, rather than admitting to doing something that hurt another person. It's dodging the bullet of responsibility for one's actions. It's putting them self back at the center of the situation. (And yes, I've done this myself when I'm not ready to own up to something I've done, too. But I try to go back and use those two words, "I'm sorry", when I'm not quite so emotionally cranked up.)
An apology, offered in sincerity, is about actions. Yes, those actions most certainly center around who we are and what's most important to us. But ultimately the act of apologizing is about caring enough for the other person that when we hurt someone else by way of our actions, we do let them know that their pain is also our pain. An apology is about focusing on the other person's feelings, and letting the injured know that we still care, still want to maintain the relationship. In the end, it all comes back to saying the words "I'm sorry" to one another.
Perhaps the actions that were taken are ones that are not regretted at all - in fact, under the circumstances the actions taken were felt to be the only ones available or the only ones appropriate to the situation. Care of the other person's feelings is still central to the issue. Apologies genuinely rendered for causing pain and anxiety, even if the action was deliberate, are not lessened because the action itself is not regretted.
The only the apology that is wasted is the one offered out of wrote formula, and not from the heart. Apology for the sake of social form rings hollow on the ears.
But apologies are a two way street, they're given and received, and the next step belongs to the injured party....
Forgiveness, at its core, has nothing at all to do with forgetting what happened. By definition, forgiveness is the act of surrendering the feelings of resentment that are harbored from being hurt and wronged. Nurturing those feelings, holding them in our hearts, is a guarantee that things can never be made right. Resentment is nothing but chains fastened to the past, and a guarantee that the future will forever be poisoned.
Forgiveness is NOT the same as absolution, however - it's not about letting the person who caused injury or harm off the hook for the consequences of their actions. It's not about not needing some kind of recompense for the harm done.
What forgiveness is really about, is that once the reparations are offered in good faith, and accepted with the same good faith, that resentment is put away and done, set aside in favor of the future.
People are what they are; our natures are inherently selfish more often than not.... At some point in our lives, we will be hurt and we will hurt those we love.
I think the true measure of your soul comes from what actions we take after that hurt has happened... if we can look to another and truly care about the pain we've caused enough to want to ease it. And if we can be hurt by those we love and still have the strength to reach out for a better tomorrow.
And while most people understand that there is an expectation that apologies should be tendered when someone's feelings are hurt, it seems to me that the apologies I hear have a distressing tendency toward being half-assed or misdirected.
Apology (noun)
1. An expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.
Apologizing to someone for what you've done to them - for the hurt you've caused them - involves two steps. First, it requires that you actually think about your actions and truly regret whatever action (or inaction) that caused the other person injury. Secondly, in rendering the apology to the other person, it means that you must convey those feelings to the other person. The words "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" are vitally necessary.
Instead I see people avoid those words, perhaps because uttering them makes them take ownership for the hurt they've caused. Instead, they'll offer gifts and concessions. But without the words, without actually saying "I'm sorry", the hurt is still there. Without the words the wounds never truly heal, because the one who was injured doesn't understand/believe that there is any real remorse for the situation. Actions don't always speak louder than words.
Apology (noun)
2. An inferior specimen or substitute, makeshift.
Worse yet though, is when the apology is completely self-absorbed. "I'm sorry I'm so stupid. I'm sorry I'm such a f*ckup." (or any variation therein)
Here, the person has switched the definition of "apology", and become utterly escapist. While he or she admits that they've caused someone hurt, they still cannot actually own up to the actions, and instead excoriates their own character. It's all about how they're an awful human being, and undeserving of friendship, rather than admitting to doing something that hurt another person. It's dodging the bullet of responsibility for one's actions. It's putting them self back at the center of the situation. (And yes, I've done this myself when I'm not ready to own up to something I've done, too. But I try to go back and use those two words, "I'm sorry", when I'm not quite so emotionally cranked up.)
An apology, offered in sincerity, is about actions. Yes, those actions most certainly center around who we are and what's most important to us. But ultimately the act of apologizing is about caring enough for the other person that when we hurt someone else by way of our actions, we do let them know that their pain is also our pain. An apology is about focusing on the other person's feelings, and letting the injured know that we still care, still want to maintain the relationship. In the end, it all comes back to saying the words "I'm sorry" to one another.
Perhaps the actions that were taken are ones that are not regretted at all - in fact, under the circumstances the actions taken were felt to be the only ones available or the only ones appropriate to the situation. Care of the other person's feelings is still central to the issue. Apologies genuinely rendered for causing pain and anxiety, even if the action was deliberate, are not lessened because the action itself is not regretted.
The only the apology that is wasted is the one offered out of wrote formula, and not from the heart. Apology for the sake of social form rings hollow on the ears.
But apologies are a two way street, they're given and received, and the next step belongs to the injured party....
Forgiveness, at its core, has nothing at all to do with forgetting what happened. By definition, forgiveness is the act of surrendering the feelings of resentment that are harbored from being hurt and wronged. Nurturing those feelings, holding them in our hearts, is a guarantee that things can never be made right. Resentment is nothing but chains fastened to the past, and a guarantee that the future will forever be poisoned.
Forgiveness is NOT the same as absolution, however - it's not about letting the person who caused injury or harm off the hook for the consequences of their actions. It's not about not needing some kind of recompense for the harm done.
What forgiveness is really about, is that once the reparations are offered in good faith, and accepted with the same good faith, that resentment is put away and done, set aside in favor of the future.
People are what they are; our natures are inherently selfish more often than not.... At some point in our lives, we will be hurt and we will hurt those we love.
I think the true measure of your soul comes from what actions we take after that hurt has happened... if we can look to another and truly care about the pain we've caused enough to want to ease it. And if we can be hurt by those we love and still have the strength to reach out for a better tomorrow.
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no subject
Date: 2009-03-15 08:10 pm (UTC)When a student has behaved inappropriately in my room, I have them write a contract regarding their behavior before they can re-enter class. I write the behaviors I saw: "When asked to open his English book for Literature, Johnny stood, cussed out the teacher, saying '@#*', and tipped over his chair." The contract is sent back for the student and a staff to go over, process about and complete.
Johnny must then 1) admit to the behavior (which is the first power struggle; so many minimize.)
2) Identify the trigger (like, I didn't want to read, so I misbehaved to be sent from class.)
3) Identify how the other person in the situation was *likely* feeling (Ms. Judi was cross because her class was disrupted, other students thought this was funny, but it didn't help them get their work done either.)
4) Identify coping skills or things to try in a positive way next time. (Open my book and follow directions even when I'm in a bad mood about it, tell the teacher I'm in bad space.)
Significant in the above is the *lack* of apology in favor of taking responsibility of past actions, and an attempt to try something different next time. One cannot force regret.
I get "I'm sorry" a lot, meaningless utterances. Because most of the time the rudeness did not harm me, I will tell the insincere children that I accept the apology, and ask what will change the next time the situation occurs. Oh! The fury! "You can't say that! You forgave me! I don't have to worry about it anymore! Why are you bringing it up!?" Or, when the consequences of an action catch up (chair thrower cannot eat lunch with his friends in the cafeteria) the apologizer is furious because why should he serve cafeteria restriction when I forgave him?
Ah, because, my dear children, as you put it so eloquently, "Forgiveness is NOT the same as absolution...it's not about letting the person who caused injury or harm off the hook for the consequences of their actions. It's not about not needing some kind of recompense for the harm done."
And students who sincerely go through these contracts and discussions with me and the staff tend to "get" it after a while, and then I receive actual apologies, addressing hurt feelings, taking responsibility without making it a "now you have to comfort me because I feel bad about myself" manipulation game, and not just for social form.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-16 01:08 pm (UTC)It's a shame that we can't in many ways, because regret is a form of empathy, of understanding that other people are hurt by your actions. Too many people live behind thick emotional walls and never really "get" that concept. They understand it intellectually, but don't feel it emotionally.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-16 11:09 pm (UTC)Sometimes, I feel that my autistic child has more empathy in her little finger than many of the adults I know.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 02:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-16 11:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-16 01:13 pm (UTC)That kid sunk his own battleship from the moment he acknowledged that what he did was "mean". There's plenty of "mean" in the word that's not deliberate - why bother with anyone who doles it out for their own amusement?
no subject
Date: 2009-03-24 06:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-24 11:12 am (UTC)"I fucked up" denotes personal responsibility without the regret, and makes me want to say in return. 'Yeah, you did. But are you sorry for it?'
"I'm a jackass" is a deflection of responsibility, pure and simple. Instead of taking ownership, the person is merely giving you excuses. Ideally, the response in that case, is 'No, you just act like one. So... what are you going to do about it?'
Honestly, I'm more irritated by the offender making it all about THEM rather than about the person who was hurt. That's a Grade A amount of selfish, there.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-24 05:59 pm (UTC)